The Myth of The "Good" Baby
The Myth of The “Good Baby”
Seemingly one of the first things people ask a parent when they see a new baby; right after how old they are and their gender, is about whether they are a “good baby” or not. As a parent and person who has worked in a daycare for many years as well as a human that has been privileged to be around a large number of infants over the years I can honestly tell you this one thing: there is no such thing as an innately good or bad baby. We need to stop asking if babies are good and we need to stop making parents feel like they are somehow failing at parenting if their baby fails to measure up to this impossible and ridiculous standard of “good.” It is not fair to the parent but it’s even more unfair to the baby.
What Qualifies As "Good?"
Well meaning family and strangers ask if your baby is sleeping through the night, whether they cry a lot or if they feed well etc. All of the things a baby is "supposed" to do in order to be a sweet little angel and ensure that parents get to enjoy them to their fullest. But these expectations that babies are content to just sleep and cuddle and are easy to get to sleep and a joy to feed are both unrealistic and damaging to parent/baby bonding. It sets a really high bar for someone who is as little as a few days old to be latching perfectly, sleeping perfectly, happy at all times and content to be set down in a swing or car seat all day long. I mean, I would not expect a grown person to be content all the time nor would I believe them if they told me their sleep schedule was perfect so why would I hold an infant to that standard?
Most people do have expectations that their baby will reach all the milestones in the books and be textbook behavior for their age, but every baby is different and milestones are guidelines with time frames as opposed to hard dates for a reason. For example: some babies latch well immediately and are champion breast feeders from day one (very rare unicorns that they are) but most babies and parents struggle for at least a few weeks or months before really getting this skill down to where it it "enjoyable" or even feels successful. Same for sleeping, some babies are good sleepers from day one with regular sleep and wake cycles and some go through day/night confusion and don't "sleep through the night" until they are well past the age they "should be" when they start sleeping through the night (and literally no normal baby sleeps through the night from day one, in fact if they are sleeping through the night at newborn age you may want to discuss it with their doctor). The point is, there is no standard for "normal" that fits all babies and it is high time we did away with labeling babies as "good" or "bad" based on how much they cry or how well they sleep.
There are many reasons why labeling babies as "good" or "bad" based on things like: how much they cry, how easy they are to settle, how well they eat and sleep or even whether they are clingy or not, is harmful to the baby, the parents, and the developing bond between them.
It makes the parents frustrated when the baby does not meet these unrealistic expectations. Every baby is different, every family is different, every situation is different so it is very frustrating for parents when the baby does not fit the mold of what they expected them to be like. Lets face it: anyone who has ever parented someone; regardless of age, if you get them to be really really honest with you will tell you that if your kids are not frustrating you on basically a daily basis, then you are doing it wrong and not invested enough in your kid. But, this does not mean that you should add to the stress and frustration by putting unrealistic expectations on your child. If you add to the normal stress and worry you will only cause feelings of failure and overwhelm to creep in like a bad cold and poison your relationships with your child and family as you come to resent the child's presumed lack of ability to do what they are supposed to. If parents learn to let go of the expectations of their baby needing to be "good" they can just live in the moment and enjoy their child for who they are much easier which really is what parents need to focus on rather than whether or not their baby is "up to standard" in anyone else's opinion.
It sets children up for self esteem issues later in life. There is nothing more damaging to a child's self esteem and vision of what they are worth than thinking they never measured up to their parents'expectations. It is often the case that a parent that worries about a newborn or infant meeting the expectations of being "good" will continue to expect their child to behave as "good" or overachieve common milestones and such. Setting the bar so high from day one will make it so that no matter what the child does they will not feel like they are good enough or able to achieve what they should. This is not always the case, but even setting those high expectations for a baby will cause them to be more agitated, upset and harder to handle. Babies read the emotions and frustrations of parents from much earlier than people think and are affected by their parents moods very deeply. So, if you are frustrated and disappointed in your supposedly "bad" baby they will feel the negative emotions and become even more difficult to soothe and deal with because they are sensing the general mood around them.
It puts a strain on relationships, not only on the relationship between parents and child, parents with each other and children and siblings but on every relationship the parents have. Being upset or disappointed about baby not making the cut as a good baby or even just stressing about whether they are "good" or "bad" will cause friction between parents. This is especially true if one parent is preoccupied with whether or not the baby is easy or not and the other parent disagrees with their assessment. The relationship with parents and baby will suffer if the parent(s) feel the baby is a difficult or bad baby because there will be a level of resentment and frustration based on how the baby is acting, this can damage bonding for a long time if allowed to continue. Relationships with family, friends, neighbors and other children can also be strained by parent wishing for a "good" baby or being disappointed because their baby is not behaving like what the parent feels they should or what the family member, neighbor or friend claimed their baby was like. Resentment and negative feelings towards baby can cause arguments or at the very least tension in a relationship where one person feels the baby isn't behaving as they should.
What To Do?
The best thing to do is let go of expectations about how a baby should behave based on anything other than standards that are reasonable for any baby. Do your research to find out if what your baby is doing is normal or not but do not worry too much about comparing them to other babies regardless of if the baby they are being compared to was a sibling or that of a family member or friend, it is not a good idea to try to hold one baby to the standard or behavior of another baby. Babies are just tiny people and as such have their own quirks and personalities. The best thing to do is take a breath, take a break from obsessive research, stop listening to other moms about what your baby should be doing or not doing and cuddle your baby. Enjoy them for who they are and go forward knowing that as their parents you know them best and know what is and is not normal for them and they are perfect just how they are. I know each and every one of you is just doing the best you can so remind yourself that you and your baby are enough, your bond is strong and you are doing everything you know how to do to raise that baby into a wonderful human being. Most of all, give yourself a pat on the back for keeping them alive and helping them to thrive no matter what kind of baby they are because being a parent is hard work even with an "easy" baby. Babies are by nature a lot of work and have good and bad moments, do not let those moments define them or your relationship and you can rest assured that all that work will be enough as long as you don't give up and love them.
Stay strong. Stay healthy. Keep fighting for yourself, you’re worth it.
From: Ame Hinman at Hinman Healing
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